At any given time, I have dozens of men in my orbit through the men’s groups that I lead.
Recently, a man new to men’s work joined one of my groups. After just two meetings, he concluded that the men’s group was good for “them”—meaning all the other guys—but not for him.
Why?
Because he just didn’t need it.
Life’s good. Sure, I have problems, but I also have way too much to be grateful for.
“Men’s Group for Thee, But Not for Me”
This line of thinking is all too common among men who first encounter men’s groups. They wrongly assume that a men’s group is only for men who are “struggling” or have obvious problems.
But beneath this “men’s group for thee but not for me” attitude lies a much deeper mindset, and one that’s far more important to examine.
The Idea of “Specialness”
In the brotherhood I began in back in 2018, a teaching that would surface from time to time was the concept of specialness.
At its core, it goes something like this:
Human beings (men especially) like to see themselves as uniquely special. We distinguish ourselves from others and from the world around us. Over time, this habit solidifies into deeply ingrained patterns of thought:
- I’m not like others.
- I’m not like them.
- I’m better than them.
- I’m not good enough to be here.
- I’m too good to be here.
- They could never understand me.
- Nobody likes me.
These thought patterns aren’t necessarily bad or wrong in and of themselves. But left unexamined, they quietly push a man toward isolation.
How Men’s Groups Expose the Illusion
This is one of the most powerful aspects of a men’s group.
These latent thought patterns get exposed and brought out into the open.
Frequently in my groups, a man will share something raw and honest. I’ll pause and ask the group:
“Has anyone else ever done this?”
“Has anyone else felt this way?”
“Who can relate?”
Almost every hand goes up.
The man who shared usually looks stunned.
Oh… you mean I’m not uniquely broken? Or uniquely enlightened?
No. We’re all just men, figuring our stuff out together.
Individuality vs. Specialness
Yes it’s true, we all have unique talents, gifts, and abilities. Owning those matters. There are real ways in which we are distinct from one another.
The problem arises when uniqueness mutates into specialness.
Specialness has two faces:
- I’m too good to be here.
- I’m not good enough to be here.
At the core, we all share in the same human condition. We are individuals, but we are not separate.
Confronting specialness is about calibrating the ego so that a man can remain in real relationship with others.
In our men’s groups:
- The over-inflated ego gets confronted and brought back down to earth.
- The under-inflated ego, aka the man consumed by shame, self-doubt, and negative self-talk, is strengthened and built up to a healthy, functional level.
The Cost of the Illusion
There is a balance between embracing what makes you you while remembering that we are fundamentally the same as human beings.
When we buy into the illusion of specialness, we begin to lose compassion for others.
This happens in two ways:
- Through lack of humility:
“I would never do what they did,” forgetting that we are often guilty of the same things…or even worse. - Through unworthiness:
Believing we don’t deserve relationship, community, or belonging.
Both are demonic lies.
If You Truly Are “Gifted”
And if a man truly does have a particular gifting or strength, then his responsibility is not to withdraw from others, but to share it.
So if a man joins one of my groups believing he’s somehow better than the other men, I’d say this:
Okay. If that’s true, then why not practice showing up for them?
Why not learn how to:
- lead without ego,
- listen without superiority,
- care for others without judgment,
instead of greedily withholding your presence from men you subconsciously deem as “less than” or unworthy of your energy?
Why This Can Only Be Worked Out in Relationship
Specialness is not something that can be healed in isolation.
The man who feels chronically unworthy must learn through relationship that he can receive love and support, and that he belongs.
The man who feels superior can only work that out by staying in relationship long enough to learn how to meet others with love instead of judgment and condemnation.
What plays out in a men’s group is a mirror for how a man shows up everywhere else in his life.
In that sense, men’s groups are not therapy sessions.
They are training grounds for personal growth and transformation.
The Unsexy Truth
While the lone wolf, sigma male archetype is endlessly glorified, the unsexy truth is this:
Real growth for men happens best in relationship with other men, not in chronic isolation.
This is the kind of work we do inside the Masculine Revival Brotherhood; men meeting honestly, staying in relationship, and allowing their blind spots to be revealed and integrated over time. If you’re curious whether that kind of brotherhood would be a good fit for you, you can learn more or apply below.