Very often, I work with men who carry a lopsided understanding of love. In their minds, love is always soft, sweet, gentle, and accommodating. And while those qualities aren’t wrong in themselves, the problem is imbalance. Love gets reduced to tenderness without assertiveness, compassion without structure, and care without direction.
This imbalance is especially common in Western evangelical culture. Add to that a broader cultural climate that is heavily feminized in its values, and many men absorb distorted ideas about love without ever consciously choosing them.
“Love your wife like Christ loved the Church” is a true and powerful principle, but application matters. In practice, many men translate it into becoming doormats and think that this is a noble service to their wife. Selflessness becomes spinelessness. “Cherishing your wife” becomes pedestalizing her emotions. Leadership disappears in the name of being “nice”.
So what does a more ordered, balanced and ultimately more masculine vision of love actually look like?
Here’s a core starting point: a man must be willing to walk through short-term discomfort, tension, and misunderstanding in order to move toward long-term truth, order, and connection. Without that, he isn’t really leading, he’s just managing day to day emotions.
Said differently, a man needs both heart and spine. He also needs a more mature understanding of what love actually is when it’s lived out over years, not just felt in moments. Loving your wife does not simply mean trying to keep her happy or maintaining positive emotional states at all times. It means having the courage to speak plainly when something is off. It means not avoiding conflict or treating every form of tension as a moral failure. It means loving her enough to endure momentary discomfort, misunderstanding, or upset in the service of something higher.
It is not loving to never challenge, correct, or confront your wife about anything. Her emotions matter deeply, and they should be precious to you. But they cannot be the governing authority of you or your household. When emotions rule, order collapses. And that collapse is not good for the husband, the wife, or the children.
This is part of cultivating a more mature, embodied vision of love. To actually love well requires the presence of other virtues alongside tenderness. A man must be courageous. At times he must be bold, clear, and willing to take relational risks for the sake of truth. The simple reality is this: you cannot be weak and be truly loving.
Most women instinctively recoil at the idea of a man whose only mode is softness and accommodation. Not because they don’t want affection, but because they want to be loved by a whole man; one who is grounded, stable, and capable of direction. Love without strength feels smothering and unsafe. Love with strength creates trust. A one-dimensional, sentimental view of love is not maturity; it’s childishness dressed up as some sort of higher virtue.
A Measure Of Mature Love: Checklist for Men
Ask yourself these questions honestly to get an effective measure of where you are at on the topic of loving with backbone and having a holistic view of love in your marriage.
- Am I willing to risk my wife’s disapproval for the sake of truth and long-term good? Or do I regularly choose short-term peace over clarity?
- Do I speak plainly when something is wrong… or do I hint, withdraw, or hope it resolves itself?
- Am I leading our household toward order, or am I merely managing emotions day to day?
- Can I tolerate tension without becoming defensive, passive, or resentful?
- Do I challenge my wife when necessary, or do I avoid confrontation to “keep the peace”?
- Is my love forming us both toward greater maturity and stability, or is it quietly reinforcing chaos and instability?
- Do I remain grounded when she is emotionally dysregulated, or do her emotions immediately dictate my behavior?
- Am I willing to be misunderstood in the short term if it serves truth, clarity, and growth?
- Do my words and actions communicate strength, direction, and safety, or uncertainty and appeasement?
- If I’m honest: does my love for my wife really reflect courage, or am I more attached to comfort?
Closing thoughts:
Avoiding conflict is not loving. A man cannot lead if he is unwilling to bear being disliked at times. Acting in someone’s true best interest will not always be popular or well received in the moment. A man also cannot lead if he has no convictions of his own; no opinions, perspectives, or preferences he is willing to stand behind.
A mature vision of love in marriage requires the courage to bring your whole self into the relationship. She does not want to be loved by a man who exists only to appease her. She wants to be loved by a whole man; even if that wholeness introduces friction, tension, and hard conversations. A woman can trust a man who is grounded and internally ordered. But she will struggle to trust or respect the perpetual “yes man” who is ruled by her emotions and cannot bear the cost of upsetting her.
Interested in going further? Learn more about working with me:
>>The Masculine Revival Brotherhood<<
>>Couples Coaching<<